silentnotes

watching the sky, you're watching a painting
coming to life, shifting and shaping
staying inside it all goes, all goes by
come on, come out
come on, come out

Recognising everyone who chooses to come out and live in the open, whether lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, genderqueer, pansexual, straight... this is a hard thing, harder for some than for others, and we all risk a lot when we pull our courage into both hands and tell everyone who we are inside.

It's worth it.

So, even more today, recognising everyone who is brave enough to live the life they were meant to live, without fear of what others may think-- no matter what your gender identity or orientation. We all deserve to be proud.

lyrics by Alison Sudol, A Fine Frenzy

I also wanted to say what a fantastic, staunch, courageous, tender friend I have in Tina.

My car broke down on the way up to Wiawaka for the WOOL retreat she organises. I barely got it off the highway in time and limped it to the Firestone place I happened to see, thank the gods. It was overheating in a major way. I'd lost about 2 gallons of antifreeze and the heat broke the thermostat, so bad things were happening. If I'd kept driving north-bound I would have killed the car and perhaps myself... The getting off the highway, looking for somewhere to stop-- that was frightening.

The repair cost almost exactly what I had saved to cover my stay at the Lake. I could not do both, and obviously I could not *not* repair the car... so I called T from the mechanics' phone and left her a message: I could not make it, I would drive home when my car was back on its wheels; but have a great time, pass on my love, etc. I think I was crying when I left the message; I was bitterly disappointed, and also still shaken up.

Less than fifteen minutes later, as I'm trying to concentrate on Simone de Beauvoir (lots of notes in the margins, lol) the phone rings and the little teenager at the counter says it's for me. I am confused, wondering if maybe Am got my message and is calling me to tell me to hang in there. But it's T. I'm surprised again, but grateful she called to probably tell me the same thing.

But instead, she said: just come. She said she knew how disappointed she'd be in that circumstance, and that she'd handle it. We'll figure out a way to cover it, she said. Take up a collection, something. She was amazing. I know she put a lot of it in herself, if not all-- and I don't know how to repay her right now except to love her back. And maybe break in from time to time and clean her house... ;)

Tina, THANK YOU. From the depths of my whole self, I do thank you. Being up at the lake was SO what I needed, and despite my qualms about the large group I really had a nice time with everyone. I'm so glad I got to be there with you. And I'm so proud of you for the way you put this together to last, and plan to keep pulling it off for the next thirty years. *grin* You're awesome-- a superhero. Thank you for being my hero sometimes, and thank you for being my friend all the time.

Love, me.

If you don't read T's blog, you should... right now the first entry up is a photo essay full of captured memories of WOOL 'o8, the second annual event, the second of many, many more. Heh, you all should go next year. We'll teach you to knit while you're there. ;) This year, though, I had a wonderful time, got the rest and renewal I needed, made a couple of friends (! me!) and on top of that my car is fixed and will now (I hope!) pass inspection. 'Tis well. :D

And on top of all ThAT, I have such a friend. Tina is generous, just, tender and tough; she can fence with words or she can bind up wounds with them; and if she chooses you as a friend you are blessed beyond expression. She speaks her own language, and you might have to learn how to communicate with her, you might trip on difficulties that all friends have, you might feel the intensity of both your emotion and hers and be overwhelmed every once in a while. But she's worth every step of getting to know her. She's precious, her friendship to be treasured. She's the best friend you might ever have.

ANd I'm not just saying that because of WOOL. :p

I got them to put me back on my old meds.

Only slightly better, I guess... They actually left me on the stronger dose of the one med, and put me back on the other. It sucks that it took them a week (and a long weekend, and I mean four-day, but also l-o-n-g for me) to realise that this was what they needed to do... but in the end I got through to the doctor, and he said basically what I was saying: I've been taking this stuff for years and been fine, and the amount of pain I was in was unacceptable and worth the risk if I say so (which I do). And now things are better. Instead of hovering on the 9 mark on the painscale I am bakc to my old 6 to 8.5 fluctuation routine, living somewhere around 7.5.

This might sound horrendous to you still, but let me tell you, the difference between 7 and 9 is HUGE. It's the ability to think, to move, to process words, to breathe without searing pain-- to do things other than lie on the bed in a ball trying not to cry or scream. Believe you me, this is nearly heaven. If I ever get down to a 5, I will throw a party, LOL. I will feel that happy. I could live the rest of my life at 5 and just be damned grateful.

As I am now: really, really grateful. *breathes* Oh, it's nice to breathe.

No matter what you do, or how you live your life, or what kind of person you choose to be, you will always be good enough for me.

I'm proud of you. *HUGS* Do not forget the most important thing.

I have NEVER seen it rain this hard in my LIFE.

Holy woah.


< insert image I don't have, and sounds, and smells... >


Naturally I have ALL the windows open. As long as no books get wet, I don't care. :D It sounds beautiful, and it smells like the lake and mountains, and the cool wind feels like the touch of something powerful but kind.

Holy, holy woah. I have NEVER seen it rain this hard! It feels like release. It feels like redemption.

I love rain.

for my dad

{this is the one I need to stop poking at... herein I post it so I can leave it alone! thank you for your patience.}

paper tigers
crayon trees
silly hats, crazy teaparties
my first song
my first kiss
you were there for all of this
yeah

summer sunsets
on our hill
two trees watched as time stood still
i was sixteen
reaching high
longing just to taste the sky

and you held me up
talk about love
and you held me strong
talk about love
yeah
talk about love

those two trees
one held on
the other reached for wind and sun
and we took turns
oh, as i grew
you held me and i held you
yeah

storms came down
words were said
bags were packed as hearts were bled
and when i stepped
off that cliff
you could not hold me back from this

so you held me close
talk about love
and you let me go...

and i was gone awhile
so what you might not see
is you have always been
the reasons i'm still me
the land beneath my feet
yeah

storms took down
those two loved trees
but they still stand in you and me
paper tigers
mending hearts
you have been here from the start

and you hold me still
talk about love
and you hold me...
yeah
talk about love
yeah
talk about love

edit: This wasn't recorded by x-mas, but I sang it to him late that night, and we both cried. :\

We went to see a friend perform in a university chorale in Albany this afternoon. Man, I haven't been to a choral performance-- hell, I haven't been to a concert-- in years. And this one was beautiful. Three different groups, and five chorales thereof, gave us offerings as varied as Beethoven and Old South spirituals, and all the pieces were beautifully performed. With a few, I was seriously impressed.

( Music is good for the soul-- and so is starting a chorale with your friends! :D (Read on!) )

This is perhaps the oddest song I've ever written.

Of course, that's discounting those glib and joyous efforts for the Nonexistence. (Their first hit single was the time-honoured 'Low Visibility', but their most popular tune was, of course, 'Third Sock Lightning'. I'm sure you remember not hearing it on radio stations during the summer of '96.

Yes, indeed, this gem was co-written by me and three, er, colleagues, on the way to clean the office one dark night. We swiped a pen from the local video rental place, and made my sister write it all down on a random napkin, so no one would forget any of it. Thinking back, I'd have to say that our greatest challenge there was finding a fourth rhyme for "asunder". *grin*

Another time, you can have that one.

Anyhow-- this song is a "one more time" sort of song. It's a song about the end of a relationship, which is something I usually try to stay away from. To my mind, ninety percent of the bad music out there in the world is a rehashing of the old, sad "she broke up with me" routine. I try to stay away from that, on principle.

Here's my humble pie. *grin* But it was just flittering there; I had to write it down, lol. When you hear it sung, it's raw, and thoughtful, and honest, and very not-emo, heh. If you imagine Ani DiFranco singing it, you'll have an idea of what it's like.

I'm curious as to what I'll do with the rhyme scheme. You'll notice the last verse is differently rhymed than the first two. I like the third verse's scheme, but I'll have to make some adjustments if I want to use it throughout the song. *ponders* Y'know, I do kinda wish you could hear it. I took liberties with the ways different words frame themselves into the same bits of the melody, so it's hard to hear the meter when the lyrics read on their own. Eh, maybe someday I'll do a voice post for you after all. After Christmas, perhaps. *pokes people at random* ;)

In the meantime, you can come on the 30th if you're local and feel up to a lot of loud music and some nice people. I'll probably sing it then, because I really do like the way it's coming out.

One note though. This is NOT a Country song. (lol, ack!) Please, remember to picture Ani singing it, and not Carrie Underwood or someone. :p

( -after- )

I wrote a song this morning.

Actually, the song wrote itself, but I moved the pen fast enough to copy it down. *grin* This is the first major thing I've written in poetic form since summertime. I'm really happy that it found its way into my head.

It's odd-- and sometimes poems take this kind of form for me-- it showed up flitting above my head this morning, and when I started singing it, idly, it began to build itself together so quickly that I had to stop in the grocery store and sit down at one of the little "cafe" tables to write things down!

Sometimes poems or songs take months. Other times, days. Every once in a while, hours.

This one wrote itself in a matter of about ninety minutes. Yeesh.

Anyhow, it's a song, and yes, it has a tune, and no, I will not do a voice post singing it. :p I have an excellent excuse, because I don't have a paid account. *grin*

My friend Neil said that I could pop into his house this week, while he and his partner are both at work, and use his piano. And then the following week they're going away for Thanksgiving and I'm housesitting for them. So I'll have lots of piano-access, which is good. I want to get the chords to this song and one or two others set in my mind, the way I want them. Then, I can give them to my friend Erin, who has offered to play them for me.

There's a big open jam at the Point, the last weekend of November. A lot of my musician friends are going to be there, and it's going to be a lot of fun whether I participate or just listen and cheer. But I think I'm going to get up and sing some of my better stuff. It's been oh, three years maybe, since I sang something I wrote in a venue larger than, um, a couple of people in a car or a living room, lol. So it'll be interesting.

I write folk/indie style music, so the alt-rock generation will be happy when I'm done. But I don't mind that so much.

I just have to try and not be too shy on stage. ;)

I'll post the song by itself a following post, so that it doesn't take up a ton of space in an entry already getting longish.

Forgive the source. It's worth it...

*leaps and bounds with glee*

Eeee.... yay.

I'm going to just be over here jumping up and down, and possibly humming something about pwning the sky.